Tag Archives: love

Compassion for our Inner Critic

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I’m taking a break from writing my dissertation proposal in order to share some life altering thoughts with ya’ll. Well, its been life altering for me…maybe everyone else has this all figured out already.

I’m currently taking a class (not school related….I know crazy, right?) called, “Mindful Self-Compassion” with the amazing Kristin Neff, a Human Development faculty member at UT, author, and Buddhist practitioner. I signed up for the 8 week workshop because self-compassion is somewhat new territory for me. About 2 years ago, I started realizing how hard I’ve been on myself for the last 20 years. I’m clear that my drive to work hard, challenge myself, and the ability to focus and complete goals in life have made me incredibly successful and up to BIG things in life. However, 2 years ago I realized that much of my internal dialogue was being dominated by my inner critic and not self compassion, love for myself, and joy. My inner critic tends to tell me things like, “you’re a fraud, you don’t work hard enough, its just a matter of time before people figure out that you don’t know what the f#ck you’re doing, you’re behind in everything in life…”. Pretty awesome, right?

Last night we did an exercise that involved not just giving ourselves self-compassion but also giving compassion to our inner critic. This was really difficult for me and it also took me a bit of time to wrap my head around this concept. For the past 2 years I’ve been so aware  and observant of the critical voice in my head. I’m clear about when it fills my thoughts. I simply observe it, and wait for it to get tired and quiet down, and then go back to my usual optimistic, loving Self.

I’ve never considered that my little inner critic is actually there for a reason. It really wants me to survive, it just doesn’t communicate in an effective way! We discussed last night that our inner critic pipes up because there’s a threat or danger it senses. For example, if there’s a paper I need to write but I’m not in action to complete it, my inner critic wakes up from its slumber to get my ass in gear as the deadline approaches. The problem, is that it doesn’t stop there. It continues to chatter in my head, filling me with insecurity and negative self talk.

One woman in the group last night shared that she views her inner critic like a small child having a tantrum. Viewing the critical thoughts in that light really shifted my perspective. It has allowed me to give that little inner child some compassion, thank it for identifying the problem, situation, or threat that potentially lies ahead of me, allow it to vent its voice, and then slowly let it dissipate.

We all have a shadow side and a light side. This internal dichotomy of Self is what makes us who we are. Here’s to giving every part of ourselves self-compassion, love, and light!

Rainbows and Unicorns

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I’m sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out what I should start working on next, as I have lots of pots on the stove so to speak (is that even a saying?). I don’t feel like doing anything right now except for baking cookies, listening to my Pandora station of Michael Bublé and Frank Sinatra (don’t ask me why but I’ve been obsessed lately) and reveling in how incredible life is. It may be that Thanksgiving is around the corner and because I have few days off as well, but gratitude is all around me. I hesitated to write this post because I imagine everyone is writing about ‘the attitude of gratitude’ right now. Then I thought, this is my blog, so I’m going to write about what I want. So, yes…I find the ‘attitude of gratitude’ cheesy but hey, it rhymes and its stuck in my head.

Today in a support group I help co-facilitate, we talked about the large extent to which people are programmed to see mostly the negatives and setbacks in life, instead of the aspects of life for which they are grateful. You could say that this type of person’s life story (their narrative) is filled with complaints, regrets, and blame versus the positives and awesomeness in life. There is research out there on this topic (I’m too lazy to find citations right now) but I would think its because many people live most of their day on automatic pilot. Our brains get wired and those synapses get firing the same way over and over again, until we lose site that we’re holding a consistent perspective on our past, present, and future, without even being aware of it. As they say – neurons that fire together, wire together.

I think this is why keeping a gratitude journal or simply sharing with people what you’re grateful for is so powerful. It helps us to pause, consider, and notice the beauty in life. It helps us remember that there is actually quite a bit that we forget to acknowledge. By sharing, we become present to it and it also reminds people that they can do the same. Little by little, we get to change the patterns of thought.

So, I’m sharing now. To all of the people in my life who I get the incredible honor of spending time with, THANK YOU. Thank you for loving and supporting me, laughing with me and helping me remember to be nice to myself. I give thanks to my body for allowing me to run marathons and run up big-ass hills. I am grateful for my mind and my ability to think and to study. I am thankful for my freedom, self expression, compassion, and that I get to choose how my life goes.

I’m going to get back to my Pandora listening. Thank you to all of you who read this little blog of mine. Go revel and be in awe of the lives we get to lead. Its not always rainbows and unicorns but there is so much beauty and goodness in this crazy world of ours. Breath it in. Soak it up. Let it fill your souls. Give it to others.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

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My amazing boyfriend, Matt, would probably be the first person to agree that I can be a fiercely independent woman. This came to be known in the beginning stages of our relationship, and especially when we first moved in together. Yes, I’ve known this about myself too and always thought it was one of my finer qualities, even if I can be a bitch who will cut-you-off like you’re an annoying piece of string that’s in my way.

Matt and I have had lots of conversations about this and I’ve started to figure out my triggers and how this way of being tends to leave people, mostly like they are utterly alone with zero partnership. The compassionate-love-filled-Andrea is no where to be found. Instead you see a person who can be closed-off and scarily focused on making sure she’s taken care of and successful in whatever the task or situation may be. So, the qualities I developed (most likely during adolescents) and nurtured in order to survive and flourish, can also turn into a quality that is isolating and pulls me away from people. I realized that this independence is at times, not a creation coming from within, but a part of my identity/ego that feels threatened and gets fiercely protective.

So, now I’m taking a family systems/couples therapy class this summer, which is awesome by the way. We’re learning about some of the old school therapeutic models that so much of couples/family work was built upon, as well as some of the newer more progressive modalities. So get this, according to attachment theory, there is no such thing as complete independence from others, or overdependency. So what I was desperately trying to hang on to and protect is not even possible to achieve. There is only effective or ineffective dependency. This rocked my world. Johnson & Whiffin (2003) write that, “secure dependence fosters autonomy and self-confidence. Secure dependence and autonomy are thus two sides of the same coin” (p.5). The authors go on to report that we know from research that secure attachment is associated with a more coherent, articulated, and positive sense of self. The more securely connected we are, the more separate and different we can be. Health from this model (and there are many) occurs when we maintain a felt sense of interdependency, rather than being self-sufficient and separate from others.

Reading this paragraph helped to make the insight about my need to be independent and self-sufficient, so very concrete. I also realize that there is no way I would have learned this about myself before meeting a partner like Matt because until him, I never allowed myself to get close enough or vulnerable with anyone before. What’s also striking about the paragraph is that we can apply this to most any pervasive and strong quality that we possess; there will be an effective or ineffective component to the ways of being that we all develop and experience in life.

Thank you for reading! I welcome all thoughts and comments.