Tag Archives: graduate school

Being Grounded and Turning 36!

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I’ve missed writing my blog posts! I haven’t been in the head-space to write, nor have I had the time. My life has been filled with all things holidays and internship interviews. While some of the internship process has been stressful, its also exciting as I am getting a glimpse of what lies in my future and the last stage of my PhD. I am certain that this is my path and however this match process goes, is how it is meant to be. Somehow I have figured out how to be grounded when there is so little ground beneath me. I am believing in my Truth, my center, and knowing that the present moment is all I have control over. The future does not exist yet, so I am staying centered in the here and the now.

In other news, I turned 36 today! I laugh every time I realize that I’m in my 30′s, as I still feel like a teenager in my body, mind, and soul. How did my mid-thirties happen and I not even realize it?

One aspect of getting older that does feel different over the years is being not just comfortable, but in love with who I am. I spent so many years searching for who I am and what my contribution is to the world while I’m here. Earning my master’s degree in mental health counseling and now being at the tail end of my PhD in psychology has 100% confirmed that this is my calling and my passion. I’m clear that my profession is just one part of living my purpose; the other part is with my daily interactions with people. I have the opportunity to fully connect and ‘be’ with the people I meet and with whom I talk every single day.

I read a quote from Oprah a long time ago, “Be responsible for the energy you bring to the people around you.” I’m not always mindful of this, but I do try to be responsible for how I show up for others. I have the opportunity to be fully authentic and fully present with everyone I work with, talk with, and interact with throughout the day. In my 36th year, I am clear that I am not only living life for myself. I am here to lift the spirits of those around me, and to leave people a little better than how I found them.

I am learning to love myself more every day, to love my body, and even my inner critic. Its been a crazy, wild, and joy-filled 36 years. I can’t wait for the next chapter!

Selfish or Self-care?

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It has been quite some time since I’ve last written a post. Life has been full and my mind has been preoccupied with all things related to Internship applications. The details of this are not important but I’ve come out of the last few foggy, stressful, busy months feeling positive about how I’ve handled life thus far. I made the conscious effort to put myself first in order to meet the application deadlines with grace and ease. Lord knows I don’t always feel the grace and ease, as I experience anxiety on a somewhat regular basis. Matt, my friends and family can attest to my mini meltdowns. But, who knows if my stress levels would have been even higher if I tried to maintain my typical full daily schedule?

Putting myself first has felt selfish. It is strange saying no to work collaborations, invitations, trips, happy hours, and even taking phone calls when I’m in the zone. It seemed odd to want my entire weekend open and unscheduled so that I could have 8 hours to spend at a coffee shop on a Saturday, on my terms and when I wanted. It hasn’t just been the protection of my time but my energy as well.

These current life stressors have been an energy drain in a different way from coursework or other deadlines. I’ve needed to carefully plan my days out in order to recharge my batteries in preparation for the next round of approaching essay revisions and cover letters. This has required me to consider what gives me energy versus what saps my energy. While I used to write and find time to be productive in the evenings, lately I have risen early in the morning to get a few hours of work done while I’m still fresh-eyed and caffeinated.

I’ve gravitated more to my yoga practice, as it typically feels more grounding and soothing, versus the clarity and freedom that running typically lends. I’ve remained committed to marathon training but also more compassionate towards myself with not pushing through injury and fatigue (most of the time:), as this is one more pressure I don’t want to put upon myself.

I’ve been more mindful of preparing healthy foods to bring with me during the day. Having healthy salads, proteins, and tasty sacks allows me to honor my mind, body, and soul and gives me the energy to train for a marathon and have the ability to focus during the day. This small change has made a significant difference. Historically I have been a stress-eater, mindlessly snacking and munching away while working. I am using food in a constructive versus destructive way and being conscious with my food choices.

I’ve also been honest with myself and others with how I’ve been fairing under this pressure. A few years ago I would have put on my “happy face” and told everyone that I was totally great and handeling my shit. This inauthenticity suppresses what I’m going through and leaves me disconnected from people. By doing that, there is no space to acknowledge my own suffering and simply ‘be’ with how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. By being authentic, I’ve also been able to accept the compassion and support from others because I’ve let them in to my internal experience.

In many ways this journey of Internship has only begun. Soon, I find out if I will be asked to interview at any of these Internship sites. I will certainly keep the online world informed about my whereabouts and how all of this is going! I want to express my gratitude to my friends, family, and loved ones  both near and far who have not only been understanding but supportive of this crazy PhD process. I can feel ya’ll rooting for me and it makes a HUGE difference!

Lastly, I have managed to keep this all in perspective. I chose to pursue my PhD and no one ever said it would be easy. Many people are struggling with life suffering much greater than I. I am blessed and lucky to have the life challenges that I do.

Permission to Experience

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This summer I decided it would be good for me to find a therapist. I had about three sessions in 2006 while I was getting my master’s degree in mental health counseling at U.Miami but haven’t stepped foot inside a therapist’s office, except for my own, since then.

The last 2 years of working primarily with veterans has changed me. Its as if there is residual emotion, energy, sorrow, and vulnerability swirling around inside of me with no outlet and no where to go. They don’t teach you what to do with ‘stuff’ in graduate school. They don’t tell you what to do with vivid memories of clients in pain and struggling to survive in the face of having experienced intense trauma.

They also don’t tell you how to manage your own anxieties regarding the end of graduate school and transition into the ‘real’ world. This last year at UT has been something I’ve looked forward to for so many years. But, as I look towards the final step of defending my dissertation and hopefully matching somewhere for Internship, I find myself feeling sad and as if I’m grieving the end of being a student. That’s crazy, right? I’ve been in school for what seems like forever!

The therapist with whom I’ve started to work has a Somatic Experiencing (S.E.) background. She has been helping me to slow down and and not just be mindful of my thoughts and feelings, but to also locate where this energy is in my body. It sounded a bit ‘woo woo’ to me at first and it was difficult for me to wrap my brain around. But, if you slow down and really take the time to locate something like sadness in your body, you will be able to feel it…whether its in your chest, stomach, or forehead, it is in there somewhere.

The decades I’ve spent as an athlete and coming from a family culture of ‘work hard and make the best of it’, has taught me to push through experiences of pain, doubt, sadness, exhaustion to the point that its difficult for me to acknowledge how I’m feeling. I’m learning to not just immediately reframe my thinking and ‘ride out’ my feelings. I’m learning to take a few moments to acknowledge what’s coming up for me (whether its anxiety or sadness, etc.) and give myself permission to just ‘be’.

I do believe that we hold on to this stuff. We carry it around with us for years because we don’t take the time to ‘be with’ how we are. We’re told to change our thinking, to ride the waves of emotion because its just a temporary reaction and response to a situation. I’m starting to realize that when we do this, we are telling ourselves that its not O.K. to think or feel a certain way. We are not robots. We are humans, and with that comes all of our flaws and imperfections and the fact that we make meaning out of almost everything.

I’m learning that to give myself permission to think, feel, and ‘be’ a certain way isn’t going to cause me to crumble, or fall into a deep depression. Its simply allowing myself to lean into the suffering, to accept what is happening and to get in tune with my mind, body, and soul. Its a beautiful process and one that I’ve never really experienced before. As I head into this final year, I hope to take this with me. I will give myself permission to ‘be’ however I am. I will take some time to really experience what is going on inside of me. I will soften & soothe, and give myself compassion. Then, I will breathe into it and let it go.

Dazed and Confused

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The concept of confusion and ‘not knowing’ continues to be a life theme of late. It was present for the first time during a writing conference I attended in St. Louis a few weeks ago, on behalf of my position at the Undergraduate Writing Center. I was at a round table discussion and we read an excerpt from a book by Margaret Wheatley. The premise of her article states that, “We aren’t trained to admit that we don’t know. Most of us were taught to sound certain and confident, to state our opinion as if it were true. We haven’t been rewarded for being confused.” These two sentences pretty much rocked my world. She goes on to suggest that, “We can’t be creative if we refuse to be confused. Change always starts with confusion; cherished interpretations must dissolve away to make way for the new”.

Wait a minute. She’s suggesting that in the midst of writing my dissertation, I should welcome confusion? Throughout this doctoral program at UT, I’ve felt that ‘there is something wrong’ when I’ve gotten confused. I’ve been embarrassed when I’ve needed to confess to someone that I need help with some aspect of my research project or in classes. Shame and fear of judgement are also involved, and that once again someone will figure out that I don’t know what the f#ck I’m doing. In many ways, graduate school has been the polar opposite of embracing confusion. I’ve felt pressure to be an expert, to have mastered knowledge, and to prove myself. There is no room for “not knowing”. How messed up is that?

The concept of confusion has also come up in my journey of personal growth. Throughout my lifetime I have gone through stages of confusion, doubt, not knowing, and questioning. An existential crisis if you will. Typically, I feel a twinge of anxiety during these times. The inner-critic will pipe up and tell me that I should have this all figured out. Everyone else has it all figured out, so why do I get off of my path so often when everyone else seems to be on the highway of Self-actualization?

I’m fascinated that this lesson has come at me loud and clear, at the intersection of my work at the writing center, my dissertation, my spiritual growth, and my graduate student experience. So I figure, with all of this confusion popping up all around me in life, the Universe is trying to tell me something. I think I am meant to learn that we’re not supposed to have all of the answers. Questioning aspects of life involves awareness, talking with people, hearing their ideas, being open to newness, and connecting with others through our humanity.  Wheatley encourages us to, “begin a conversation, listening for what’s new…we have the opportunity many times a day…to be the one who listens to others, curious rather than certain.”

In a related way, confusion is a sign that we’re in the gap. To me, the gap is similar to that space between. Its the space where Self discovery happens. The gap is the space where brilliance and creativity is born. We’ve crossed the gap when we make a jump from being content, stagnent, and ‘knowing’ — towards evolving. I think that for so long, I’ve scrambled to get out of the gap and back onto my path as quickly as possible. I am learning to embrace it, to relish in it, and to love the confusion — for it is a sign that creativity, Self-discovery, and epiphanies are on the other side!

Wheatley, Margaret. (2002). Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to restore Hope to the Future. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

Delicious Ambiguity

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ambiguity

1. Doubtfulness or uncertainty as regards interpretation: “leading a life of alleged moral ambiguity” (Anatole Broyard).

2. Something of doubtful meaning: a poem full of ambiguities.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how drastically different this academic semester has been compared to ALL of those in the past, and trust me there have been many. This is the first time in quite a while when I don’t have every minute of every day scheduled. Yes, I have deadlines but they all seem so very far away. Now that my coursework is mostly completed, its just me and a little thing called dissertation for the next year before I complete the final stage of this Ph.D. journey. Internship.

So, now that I have all of this ‘time’ on my hands (I realize that this is all relative and that to some, my schedule is still really packed) why am I finding it so utterly difficult to get started on these projects that have deadlines looming out in the future? Why do I am times feel so paralyzed by the ambiguity of things? So, I’ve been thinking about the answers to those questions in order to shift my context.

Many of you know that I’m training for my 5th marathon and that I’ve been an athlete (I’m using that term loosely:) for quite some time. I LIKE training for a goal. I like knowing the workout I’m supposed to do, when I’m supposed to do it, how I’m supposed to do it, and when and where the goal is. That’s why I loved training so much in high school, college, and with the national rowing team. I didn’t have to think about it, I just did what my coach told me to do.

School has been much the same way for me. Of course, there is quite a bit of thought involved but in a sense, its a similar process. I have my schedule, I know when my papers and tests are, and where I need to be at all times. I know the path most of my peers have taken and all of the steps I need to complete along the way. The past 3 years have been so incredibly structured that there has been little ambiguity in the picture.

So now I’m in the situation where its up to me. I get to decide when I will propose and defend my dissertation. I get to decide when, where, and how much to work on a daily basis. For some, this would lend a delightful amount of power and joy. For me, it only lends anxiety. Can someone please just tell me how to get started, how much to write, when to write it, and when to have it completed?

This is where I’ve had my most recent epiphany. I can make that schedule and create the structure for myself. So, I intend (and I’m sharing this with all of you out there on the interwebs so that you can help me stay accountable) to make my plan with deadlines and time scheduled in my calendar today. Instead of being anxious about the amiguous nature of this next year, I see it as giving me the space to create – to create my own experience and my own process because it is not decided for me. I get to choose.

Also, I’m not calling it a dissertation. I’m calling it my masterpiece.

1. An outstanding work of art or craft.

2. The greatest work, as of an artist. Also called masterwork.

3. Something superlative of its kind: a masterpiece of political ingenuity.