Simplicity and Tranquility

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Hello my long lost friends out there on the interwebs! My blogging time got away from me towards the end of the spring semester and it didn’t make my list of priorities. I now have some breathing room and wanted to share a few thoughts.

Firstly, I wanted to share the crazy roller coaster of thoughts and feelings I experienced leading up to my dissertation proposal. My inner critic (yes, it was back with a mission) was loud and clear in the week leading up to the meeting with my committee. It was telling me, “I will fail and they will find out I have no idea what the f#ck I am doing.” At some point in the days leading up to this event, my inner machinery got tired. Similar to a baby getting tired of crying and finally going back to sleep, its voice became quiet. Once this happened, I was able to relax and feel my confidence grow. I trusted that my committee had my best interest in mind, even if that meant having to go back to the drawing board with my dissertation. This was a pivotal realization. I was (for at least some of the time) able to get some distance from my inner critic, and I could observe its voice just as thoughts, not as the truth or my reality.

Secondly, as life is starting to slow down I’ve had time to reflect on this past year. My energies have been scattered between many different responsibilities and commitments (clinical rotation, 2 GA positions, research lab, dissertation writing, friends, fitness, relationship, etc.). I’m clear that the majority of this fatigue is from the challenging clinical work I did with military sexual trauma survivor clients, and the huge build up of proposing my dissertation to my committee. The result is that I’m left tired; its more than a physical drain but also an emotional and spiritual depletion, if you will.

Lastly, as I look ahead to the hot summer months here in Austin, I’m elated to create the possibility of ‘simplicity and tranquility‘. My friends know that I’m big with the mantras, it helps me to remember what I’m creating and what’s possible. To me, this mantra represents de-cluttering my life: clothes, books, notes, kitchen stuff, shoes, etc. It also means letting go of this past year on an emotional and spiritual level. The tranquility part means that I want to spend my time doing the things that are good for my soul, activities that bring me peace, rejuvenation, and clarity. Running, yoga, friends bring me this but I want to get back into reading and finding new things in Austin. There is so much of this lovely city that I have yet to experience, this is the summer to make it happen!

Many experts suggest with the change of seasons or shifts in life, that its good to cleanse, detox, de-clutter, simplify, and/or edit one’s life. This can look many different ways for people. Many of us need a little ‘push’ to make these life edits. I’m going for it! I encourage you to examine your life and let go of that which does not serve you. 

Dazed and Confused

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The concept of confusion and ‘not knowing’ continues to be a life theme of late. It was present for the first time during a writing conference I attended in St. Louis a few weeks ago, on behalf of my position at the Undergraduate Writing Center. I was at a round table discussion and we read an excerpt from a book by Margaret Wheatley. The premise of her article states that, “We aren’t trained to admit that we don’t know. Most of us were taught to sound certain and confident, to state our opinion as if it were true. We haven’t been rewarded for being confused.” These two sentences pretty much rocked my world. She goes on to suggest that, “We can’t be creative if we refuse to be confused. Change always starts with confusion; cherished interpretations must dissolve away to make way for the new”.

Wait a minute. She’s suggesting that in the midst of writing my dissertation, I should welcome confusion? Throughout this doctoral program at UT, I’ve felt that ‘there is something wrong’ when I’ve gotten confused. I’ve been embarrassed when I’ve needed to confess to someone that I need help with some aspect of my research project or in classes. Shame and fear of judgement are also involved, and that once again someone will figure out that I don’t know what the f#ck I’m doing. In many ways, graduate school has been the polar opposite of embracing confusion. I’ve felt pressure to be an expert, to have mastered knowledge, and to prove myself. There is no room for “not knowing”. How messed up is that?

The concept of confusion has also come up in my journey of personal growth. Throughout my lifetime I have gone through stages of confusion, doubt, not knowing, and questioning. An existential crisis if you will. Typically, I feel a twinge of anxiety during these times. The inner-critic will pipe up and tell me that I should have this all figured out. Everyone else has it all figured out, so why do I get off of my path so often when everyone else seems to be on the highway of Self-actualization?

I’m fascinated that this lesson has come at me loud and clear, at the intersection of my work at the writing center, my dissertation, my spiritual growth, and my graduate student experience. So I figure, with all of this confusion popping up all around me in life, the Universe is trying to tell me something. I think I am meant to learn that we’re not supposed to have all of the answers. Questioning aspects of life involves awareness, talking with people, hearing their ideas, being open to newness, and connecting with others through our humanity.  Wheatley encourages us to, “begin a conversation, listening for what’s new…we have the opportunity many times a day…to be the one who listens to others, curious rather than certain.”

In a related way, confusion is a sign that we’re in the gap. To me, the gap is similar to that space between. Its the space where Self discovery happens. The gap is the space where brilliance and creativity is born. We’ve crossed the gap when we make a jump from being content, stagnent, and ‘knowing’ — towards evolving. I think that for so long, I’ve scrambled to get out of the gap and back onto my path as quickly as possible. I am learning to embrace it, to relish in it, and to love the confusion — for it is a sign that creativity, Self-discovery, and epiphanies are on the other side!

Wheatley, Margaret. (2002). Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to restore Hope to the Future. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

Compassion for our Inner Critic

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I’m taking a break from writing my dissertation proposal in order to share some life altering thoughts with ya’ll. Well, its been life altering for me…maybe everyone else has this all figured out already.

I’m currently taking a class (not school related….I know crazy, right?) called, “Mindful Self-Compassion” with the amazing Kristin Neff, a Human Development faculty member at UT, author, and Buddhist practitioner. I signed up for the 8 week workshop because self-compassion is somewhat new territory for me. About 2 years ago, I started realizing how hard I’ve been on myself for the last 20 years. I’m clear that my drive to work hard, challenge myself, and the ability to focus and complete goals in life have made me incredibly successful and up to BIG things in life. However, 2 years ago I realized that much of my internal dialogue was being dominated by my inner critic and not self compassion, love for myself, and joy. My inner critic tends to tell me things like, “you’re a fraud, you don’t work hard enough, its just a matter of time before people figure out that you don’t know what the f#ck you’re doing, you’re behind in everything in life…”. Pretty awesome, right?

Last night we did an exercise that involved not just giving ourselves self-compassion but also giving compassion to our inner critic. This was really difficult for me and it also took me a bit of time to wrap my head around this concept. For the past 2 years I’ve been so aware  and observant of the critical voice in my head. I’m clear about when it fills my thoughts. I simply observe it, and wait for it to get tired and quiet down, and then go back to my usual optimistic, loving Self.

I’ve never considered that my little inner critic is actually there for a reason. It really wants me to survive, it just doesn’t communicate in an effective way! We discussed last night that our inner critic pipes up because there’s a threat or danger it senses. For example, if there’s a paper I need to write but I’m not in action to complete it, my inner critic wakes up from its slumber to get my ass in gear as the deadline approaches. The problem, is that it doesn’t stop there. It continues to chatter in my head, filling me with insecurity and negative self talk.

One woman in the group last night shared that she views her inner critic like a small child having a tantrum. Viewing the critical thoughts in that light really shifted my perspective. It has allowed me to give that little inner child some compassion, thank it for identifying the problem, situation, or threat that potentially lies ahead of me, allow it to vent its voice, and then slowly let it dissipate.

We all have a shadow side and a light side. This internal dichotomy of Self is what makes us who we are. Here’s to giving every part of ourselves self-compassion, love, and light!

A Love Letter to Running

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*Disclaimer* There is profanity in this post. Don’t read if you’re offended by bad words. I find that running marathons brings out the occasional F-bomb. Staying true to myself, I decided to keep them in the post:)

In the days leading up to the Livestrong Austin Marathon, I decided that I wasn’t going to play it safe. I wasn’t going to take it easy and then negative split the last 6 miles of the marathon like I’ve done for the four marathons I’ve completed over the past 10 years. Inspired by a TEDx event I attended a few weeks ago (you can read more here), I was curious about my limits. I thought I had a good idea about where they lie with my running abilities but I’ve never completed a marathon feeling like I’d given it everything I had. I’ve always had more left in the tank, so to speak, and have been able to sprint to the finish line with a smile on my face. I’ve never finished a marathon and wondered if I could take another step or question if I’d be able to finish. I did yesterday.

I approached this marathon wanting to find out where my limits are, and if I could run a sub 3:45. Meghan (an awesome person and runner who’s been training for the marathon with Rogue Running as well) and I started running at a decent clip and after a few miles, were right on pace to run a 3:45. I’m not a rookie marathoner so I knew this could be dangerous so early on, but I went with it and wanted to see how long I could keep it up. Who knows, maybe it was going to be for 26.2 miles? Maybe I could actually run a sub 3:45?!? I wasn’t going to know unless I tried. What if my limits aren’t where I think they are?

The old familiar creeping pain of lactic acid in my legs, which I know all too well from my rowing days and now running days, begin to knock on my cellular door around the 1/2 marathon mark. I decided to welcome it, respect it, and told the throbbing nature of its presence to just be gentle, at least for a little while longer. Around the 17 mile mark, the farthest point from downtown Austin, fewest spectators, and steady headwind, was where I really started to feel it. I started talking to myself a lot at this point. I told myself to just take in the experience, to take it one mile at at time, and take in the energy from the people around me.

Somewhere around mile 23, I started hearing spectators cheer for the 3:55 pace group. I knew they were behind me. I knew they were creeping up and about to fucking pass me. I tried so hard to envision myself pulling away from them. But alas, my legs were done. My quads and calves were absolutely destroyed from the 8:30′s I put in during the first half, and from the delightful hills that are a constant challenge during the Austin course. At this point I knew I could finish under 4 hours, but it wasn’t going to happen ahead of the 3:55 group and 3:45 was for sure not going to happen.

The last 2 miles of this race is a blur. Amy, another awesome Rogue runner, came out of the crowd to help ‘run me in’. All I could do was grunt at her as acknowledgement. I could tell that she was a bit concerned about my wellbeing because I was looking rough. All I could do was put one foot in front of another. Then, Bobby, Rogue Running coach extraordinaire, started running with me as I came to the final fucking hill of the course. My legs started buckling beneath me. I was done. I walked, something I’ve never done in a marathon before, and had to muster up one more morsel of energy to run the final 800 meters. I took a deep breath. I tried to tap into his energy. I somehow started running again, feeling as if my legs were detached from my body, and made the final turn to the finish line. Matt, the most amazing boyfriend in the world, hopped over the barricade for the spectators to stand behind, and started running with me down the final stretch to the finish line.

I did it. 3:57.22 of pure grit, determination, of finally reaching my limit. I did it. I found out where that limit was for me yesterday. Yes, I could have played it safe and I could have run smarter. Maybe my time would have been faster with a slower first 1/2, but sometimes you need to let go of strategy and race plans. Sometimes you just need to see what you’re made of, throw the elevation charts to the wind, and just fucking run.

I want to write a special thank you to my friends who were out there cheering. Drew, thank you for waking up so early and for making me such a pretty sign. I love that I get to be friends with such a brilliant and funny guy who is always there for me. Jenny, thank you for flying in from Miami to cheer me and your other friends on. Your cute smiling face lit me up as I saw you throughout the course. Lauren, you saw me at one of the roughest parts of that race. Thank you for being there cheering me along, along with everything else you have going on right now, love you Minuch! Mary, I love that we got to share another marathon experience! You will be my running buddy forever:) Matt, my amazing Love and man of my dreams, thank you for not just supporting me for the last 23 weeks of training, early mornings, early bedtimes, and weird eating habits. Thank you for being there throughout the entire race yesterday. You helped me find out where my limits are, and made it so much more bearable. I love that we get to experience our accomplishments and life challenges together with partnership.

I also want to give a HUGE thank you to my fellow Rogue Running Sole Survivors. Ya’ll are a blast to run with and so inspiring. What’s our next race? Finally, I want to thank Coach Bobby for being such an incredible person. You are someone who exudes love and excitement for life. Thank you for all that you’ve done and mostly, for the person you are. Your team of Sole Survivors could not have done this without you. You didn’t just help us run a marathon, you helped us form friendships, community, fitness, and a deeper love for running.

Me & Jenny at the finish line

Matt keeping me standing at the finish line.

Rogue Runners post-marathon bliss

Limits

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I’m writing this post a few days after attending the TEDx Austin event and a few days before I hit the pavement to run 26.2 miles in the Austin Marathon. The TED event was amazing and I’m sure the experience will continue to resonate inside me for quite some time. Some people have asked me who my favorite speakers were, and that’s a tough question to answer; however, one particular quote continues to stay with me.

Tanya Streeter was the last speaker. She is a gorgeous tall blond athlete who holds the record for free diving, and she is also an activist for the preservation of our oceans. She shared several stories with us, which all revolved around limits. She said (and I’m paraphrasing) that limits do exist, they just aren’t where we think they are.

I think of this woman, who has absolutely pushed herself to her limits, both physically and mentally. The thing is…she’s not afraid of those barriers of limitations. She greets her limits with a smile and holds a curiosity for where those limits may be. There is no fear involved, or sense of failure. For her, its about exploration.

This one message applies to so many areas of my life and I wanted to share my thoughts with ya’ll. I know we all experience mental and physical limitations of some sort, or at least the fear involved with wondering where our limits exist. Hell, maybe some of you are wondering if you’ve already reached your capacity as a human, that this is all you’ve got to offer the world and yourself.

As I gear up for the marathon, for proposing my dissertation this semester, and hopefully some day becoming gainfully employed as a psychologist – I know that this concept of limitation will come up for me. I’m realizing that its nothing to be afraid of. I’m realizing that these so called limits I think are ahead of me, are completely made up! So, let’s play with what we think is possible. Possibility cannot live inside of self-imposed limitations. And, if we meet those limitations, it would be something to celebrate because that means absolute potential has been reached.