Selfish or Self-care?

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It has been quite some time since I’ve last written a post. Life has been full and my mind has been preoccupied with all things related to Internship applications. The details of this are not important but I’ve come out of the last few foggy, stressful, busy months feeling positive about how I’ve handled life thus far. I made the conscious effort to put myself first in order to meet the application deadlines with grace and ease. Lord knows I don’t always feel the grace and ease, as I experience anxiety on a somewhat regular basis. Matt, my friends and family can attest to my mini meltdowns. But, who knows if my stress levels would have been even higher if I tried to maintain my typical full daily schedule?

Putting myself first has felt selfish. It is strange saying no to work collaborations, invitations, trips, happy hours, and even taking phone calls when I’m in the zone. It seemed odd to want my entire weekend open and unscheduled so that I could have 8 hours to spend at a coffee shop on a Saturday, on my terms and when I wanted. It hasn’t just been the protection of my time but my energy as well.

These current life stressors have been an energy drain in a different way from coursework or other deadlines. I’ve needed to carefully plan my days out in order to recharge my batteries in preparation for the next round of approaching essay revisions and cover letters. This has required me to consider what gives me energy versus what saps my energy. While I used to write and find time to be productive in the evenings, lately I have risen early in the morning to get a few hours of work done while I’m still fresh-eyed and caffeinated.

I’ve gravitated more to my yoga practice, as it typically feels more grounding and soothing, versus the clarity and freedom that running typically lends. I’ve remained committed to marathon training but also more compassionate towards myself with not pushing through injury and fatigue (most of the time:), as this is one more pressure I don’t want to put upon myself.

I’ve been more mindful of preparing healthy foods to bring with me during the day. Having healthy salads, proteins, and tasty sacks allows me to honor my mind, body, and soul and gives me the energy to train for a marathon and have the ability to focus during the day. This small change has made a significant difference. Historically I have been a stress-eater, mindlessly snacking and munching away while working. I am using food in a constructive versus destructive way and being conscious with my food choices.

I’ve also been honest with myself and others with how I’ve been fairing under this pressure. A few years ago I would have put on my “happy face” and told everyone that I was totally great and handeling my shit. This inauthenticity suppresses what I’m going through and leaves me disconnected from people. By doing that, there is no space to acknowledge my own suffering and simply ‘be’ with how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. By being authentic, I’ve also been able to accept the compassion and support from others because I’ve let them in to my internal experience.

In many ways this journey of Internship has only begun. Soon, I find out if I will be asked to interview at any of these Internship sites. I will certainly keep the online world informed about my whereabouts and how all of this is going! I want to express my gratitude to my friends, family, and loved ones  both near and far who have not only been understanding but supportive of this crazy PhD process. I can feel ya’ll rooting for me and it makes a HUGE difference!

Lastly, I have managed to keep this all in perspective. I chose to pursue my PhD and no one ever said it would be easy. Many people are struggling with life suffering much greater than I. I am blessed and lucky to have the life challenges that I do.

Musings from the yoga mat…problems versus experiences

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Problem
1). a : a question raised for inquiry, consideration, or solution
b : a proposition in mathematics or physics stating something to be done
2). a : an intricate unsettled question
b : a source of perplexity, distress, or vexation
c : difficulty in understanding or accepting

I was standing at the front of my mat in yoga this morning, setting an intention for my practice and the day ahead. Being open is what came to mind; being open to the experience of life. This led my thoughts to wander a bit as we started to breathe and move our arms overhead, following with our bodies diving into a forward fold.

What if life is simply a series of experiences and what we call ‘problems’ do not actually exist? If life bring us experiences that differ from what we expect, we call them surprises, being lucky, or alternately ”problems” and challenges that we have to get through. Its interesting that we as humans tend to qualify so many things as good or bad. When we have a negative context regarding a situation, we lose the ability to have the “it is what it is” mentality.

We’re hanging on to some thing. We’re attached to this idea of the way life is supposed to go and even ourselves and other people being a certain way. Its a linear way of thinking and an extremely limited way of being. This attachment narrows our point of view to seeing problems rather than experiences.

If we remove our expectation of the way life should be (or even something as simple as a conversation or a situation) the problems we encounter may no longer create distress (mentioned in the above definition). Giving up expectation turns life into a series of experiences versus problems and surprises. Obviously there will still be situations to manage, solutions to create, and circumstances to navigate. However, letting go of our attachment to the way life should go will help us to be open to life’s experiences, versus having a problem to overcome.

experience
1). a: direct observation of or participation in events as a basis of knowledge
b: the fact or state of having been affected by or gained knowledge through direct   observation or participation
2). a: practical knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events or in a particular activity
3). a: the conscious events that make up an individual life
b : the events that make up the conscious past of a community or nation or humankind generally
4). a: something personally encountered, undergone, or lived through
5). a: the act or process of directly perceiving events or reality
namaste y’all!

Permission to Experience

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This summer I decided it would be good for me to find a therapist. I had about three sessions in 2006 while I was getting my master’s degree in mental health counseling at U.Miami but haven’t stepped foot inside a therapist’s office, except for my own, since then.

The last 2 years of working primarily with veterans has changed me. Its as if there is residual emotion, energy, sorrow, and vulnerability swirling around inside of me with no outlet and no where to go. They don’t teach you what to do with ‘stuff’ in graduate school. They don’t tell you what to do with vivid memories of clients in pain and struggling to survive in the face of having experienced intense trauma.

They also don’t tell you how to manage your own anxieties regarding the end of graduate school and transition into the ‘real’ world. This last year at UT has been something I’ve looked forward to for so many years. But, as I look towards the final step of defending my dissertation and hopefully matching somewhere for Internship, I find myself feeling sad and as if I’m grieving the end of being a student. That’s crazy, right? I’ve been in school for what seems like forever!

The therapist with whom I’ve started to work has a Somatic Experiencing (S.E.) background. She has been helping me to slow down and and not just be mindful of my thoughts and feelings, but to also locate where this energy is in my body. It sounded a bit ‘woo woo’ to me at first and it was difficult for me to wrap my brain around. But, if you slow down and really take the time to locate something like sadness in your body, you will be able to feel it…whether its in your chest, stomach, or forehead, it is in there somewhere.

The decades I’ve spent as an athlete and coming from a family culture of ‘work hard and make the best of it’, has taught me to push through experiences of pain, doubt, sadness, exhaustion to the point that its difficult for me to acknowledge how I’m feeling. I’m learning to not just immediately reframe my thinking and ‘ride out’ my feelings. I’m learning to take a few moments to acknowledge what’s coming up for me (whether its anxiety or sadness, etc.) and give myself permission to just ‘be’.

I do believe that we hold on to this stuff. We carry it around with us for years because we don’t take the time to ‘be with’ how we are. We’re told to change our thinking, to ride the waves of emotion because its just a temporary reaction and response to a situation. I’m starting to realize that when we do this, we are telling ourselves that its not O.K. to think or feel a certain way. We are not robots. We are humans, and with that comes all of our flaws and imperfections and the fact that we make meaning out of almost everything.

I’m learning that to give myself permission to think, feel, and ‘be’ a certain way isn’t going to cause me to crumble, or fall into a deep depression. Its simply allowing myself to lean into the suffering, to accept what is happening and to get in tune with my mind, body, and soul. Its a beautiful process and one that I’ve never really experienced before. As I head into this final year, I hope to take this with me. I will give myself permission to ‘be’ however I am. I will take some time to really experience what is going on inside of me. I will soften & soothe, and give myself compassion. Then, I will breathe into it and let it go.

The Stillness of Santa Fe

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I just returned from a lovely trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico, venturing to the southwest to help my mom celebrate her much belated 70th birthday. We had a spectacular 4 days in the desert and I returned to Austin feeling relaxed, rested, and like I’d spent time in a different and somewhat timeless world. I am by no means an experienced travel blogger but this is my attempt to write about the various ways Santa Fe impacted me.

Me, my mom, and my sister having an outstanding birthday dinner at The Compound.

While I want to share about the amazing time I shared with my mom, sister, and cousin, I’m  not sure how they’d feel about being featured in this little blog of mine. What I want to write about are some of the intangible aspects of this incredible town.  There is a purity and simplicity about life in Santa Fe. These are a few of the qualities that have stayed with me.

Openness. Santa Fe feels open and spacious, allowing the beauty of the sky, light, and mountains in the horizon to be the draw for people walking around. In my opinion, there are no fancy buildings or amazing building architecture to discuss. There were no “hot spots” or trendy areas. Its as if the town was built around and within the environment. The earthiness of the buildings allow the striking sunsets to be the focus of the evening and the blueness of the sky to be all that one notices while walking.

Santa Fe sunset

Creativity. There is so much talent and free-thinking in this town! I’m sure most people know about famous Canyon Road, which populates many of the country’s talented artists. But, its more than that. There is creativity all over Santa Fe…its in the many hotels in the areas, churches, restaurants, food, cocktails, and even  in the conversations of people walking around at the local Farmer’s Market.

Tree of Life by Judith Shaw, which is such a great representation of my tattoo

The Floating Staircase at the Loretto Chapel

There is a slowness to life in Santa Fe as well. We laughed many times during our weekend about how slow the service is at restaurants and how much stillness one feels while walking around. There is no hustle and bustle; people don’t really seem to have anywhere to be. I too slowed down while I was there. I was able to take in more of the beauty because of it. This stillness has stayed with me. On my run last night back in Austin, I was able to notice more smells, sounds, and sights than ever before.

Taken on a morning run around Santa Fe

I so appreciate my time in this magical little city. I cherish the time I was able to spend with my family. I am so grateful for the amazing woman my mother is, and that we were able to help her celebrate the incredible life she has created. I am honored to be her daughter and I am so lucky to have spent this time with my family in this quaint, yet incredible, part of the country. I am inspired because of this trip.

Summertime

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I’m a few weeks into “summer break” and already feel the positive effects of my simplicity and tranquility summer mantra. There are many more changes I intend to make over the course of the summer. However, reminding myself of the commitment to de-clutter physically, mentally, and emotionally has allowed me to make choices that fulfill this focus and I’m noticing shifts in certain areas of my life as a result. Here are some updates:

I wake-up in the morning feeling refreshed. I’m sleeping better than ever. I’m sure this is due to having less stress, less clutter, and being more consistent with when I go to bed and wake up.

I wake-up excited and ready to greet the day. This has not always been the case. I truly believe that I have managed to create a life that I’m excited about, which trickles down to being excited for each day. I love my job at UT, I love having structured time to work on my dissertation each week, I love having time to run in the mornings and visit with friends throughout the week. Its all awesomeness!

I have time to focus on my health. I’m training for another marathon and LOVE that I have time set aside each morning to get my run in before the summer heat really turns on for the day. Before, my time spent exercising always seemed like a luxury, or that I should be doing something more productive than running or yoga. I’m excited that finally, I have structured my life so that its a part of my day and has just as much of a priority as anything else in my life.

Cocktail Hour! I’m bringing it back, baby! Happy hour and having a cocktail at 5 or 6pm is when I get to spend time with friends, or just relax when I get home from working. It reminds me of a time when slowing down to relax and mingle with family and friends was more of the usual in our culture, versus exception. It brings a vision of sipping mint juleps out on the veranda, hearing the cicadas start their evening symphony, while putting my feet up on the porch swing. OK, I realize I don’t live in Savanna, GA in the 1950′s but if I did…this is what I’d do.

Eating clean. I’m doing pretty well with this. During the week I’ve been organized and I’ve planned ahead for breakfast and lunch eat day. I never eat out for these meals and it feels great to know that I’m fueling my body with healthy, organic, natural foods. I’m still learning how to keep this going during the weekend.

Therapy. I’ve started seeing my own therapist and so far its been wonderful! I’m still getting used to being the client versus the clinician, but I love that this is a time when I’m not the one in charge. I get to do this for myself and I’m so excited for breakthroughs and de-cluttering emotionally and spiritually.

GoodWill. This isn’t just about bringing 7 trash bags of clothes to Goodwill this past weekend in my efforts to de-clutter my closet. Its also about giving GoodWill to everyone I interact with during the day. My intention is to bring just a bit more lightness, love, and gratitude to everyone I see and talk with during the day. I’m noticing that I have more energy to do this now that I’ve simplified my life. I don’t feel frazzled and rushed anymore. I’ve slowed down and can fully be present when I interact with people.

Lastly, I want to recommend a short blog post, “7 Ways to Find Happiness through Simplicity“. This is one of my favorite blogs and wanted to share with ya’ll!